Friday, November 28, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Cat Catcher for the Pharoah
"I recall being at the court of Wamses II. He was a little known Pharoah. In fact I have not been able to find any reference to him in any of the histories of ancient Egypt. This is unfortunate. Wamses II was an interesting man/god. He was a great inventor. He told me once that he had come up with the original idea for sand. But, some other guy actually got the patent. Who was I, a mere peasant, to question the great Wamses II. He loved all creatures except for cats. He may have been alergic to their fur or just was sick of their constant purring and whining. I really do not know. One day he issued an edict ordering the immediate removal of all cats within ten leagues of the palace. He appointed me Royal Cat Catcher. I told him that it would be my pleasure. However I was greatly troubled by the edict and my part in enforcing it. First, how could I catch all of the cats. Maybe Wamses II would let me use the Royal Pitbulls. No. He would never approve. The pitbulls were even fatter than me and the cats would be able to outrun the dogs. Then I had a wonderfull idea. I called for the Royal Rat Catcher. I bribed him with a thousand Wamseses to take a vacation in Atlantic City. Before he left he gave me the key to the Royal Rat Cage. I ordered it carried to the stadium just south of the palace. Then I put up posters all over the neighborhood advertising free rats at the stadium. Well when the cats saw the posters they all came to the stadium. As they came in the gates my men would catch them in nets. Within five hours we had captured all of the cats. We loaded them into several hundred donkey carts and took them to the sea. I sold them to the Admiral of the Royal Fleet who said that he had a use for them. What use I cannot say. I refuse to speculate. The next day I returned to the Palace of Wamses II and was rewarded by him for ridding the city of cats. He asked me how I had caught the cats and I told him the story. The Royal Rat Catcher never returned from Atlantic City. Some months later I received a postcard from him saying that he was working as in New Jersey as a waiter."
Thursday, November 20, 2008
When I was in Cincinnati
"When I was in Cincinnati I was a river boat gambler. No, maybe I was the captain of the boat. No, I was a gambler. It was sometime after the War Between the States in which I had served as a profiteer. With my gains I bought a BMW dealership in Queens. Later the bank took it over. I really do not recall why they did it.I had a pair of pearl-handled Deringers. One was up my right sleeve and the other was in my waistcoat. I always wore a white ruffled shirt. I had a big moustache which the ladies loved. My smoke of choice was a Phillies cheroot. My lighter was a little plastic Bic from the Safeway supermarket. It was a block from the docks. I liked to sit with my back to the wall when I was playing cards. You never knew when some sucker, that I had previously relieved of his money, would walk in to the bar. I never felt guilty about taking the sucker's money. They probably deserved it. Probably stole it from some widow lady.I was like Robin Hood except I did not give the money away to the poor. Now, I did spread the wealth around. I was a big tipper. Just ask the ladies who worked the boat. There was this redhead. Her name was Flora. I think they wrote a song about her. It was called "The Lily of the West". Nobody ever caught me cheating at cards. At least they could never prove it. My last memory was being thrown overboard on a dark night. The water was not too cold."
Friday, November 14, 2008
Former Lives of Some People I Know
Each life has a title and will be followed by the biography as it was related to me. I have made no attempt to put these in any kind of historical order. I can not personally verify that any of these lives actually occurred. I am only the vehicle that will relate them to you. I think there is a book and related website that lists all former lives of everyone that has ever lived. If you wish you may compare the life stories related here to the ones in the book and on the website. There is also a calendar that lists the birth and death dates of all former lives. It can be accessed thru this link www. / /.re:etc. Personally, I find such research tedious and advise that you avoid it.
"I don't remember a lot. I can't recall my family at all. I remember that I was sitting on the ass of a donkey in Krakow, Poland. I think it was Krakow because there was a man standing by the donkey holding a folded newspaper and the word "Krakow" was clearly visible on the masthead. The other words did not make an impression on me. It was a hot day and there were a lot of us sitting on this donkey's ass. We were discussing the normal trivia of everday life as a fly. Somebody commented that raw sewage in the street was not like it use to be. People's diets were changing. Too much cabbage. Not enough beets and onions. Just then the donkey's tail began to swish back and forth. Somebody yelled "Let's get outta here!" It was too late for me. I got knocked off of the donkey's ass and fell into a pile of fresh steaming donkey shit. Don't get me wrong. I like donkey shit as much as the next fly but the stuff is sticky. When I fell, I landed in a low spot in the pile and my wings got soiled. The more that I moved around the more soiled my wings became. I was unable to fly or walk. I was sinking a little. This was a very soft pile. The last thing that I recall was Arnold flying very low circles around me. He had always rubbed me the wrong way. You know. Sarcastic and mouthy. Loved to belittle the other guys. So Arnold sticks his tongue out at me and started in reciting some obscene limerick. I was beginning to loose consciousness as the donkey shit was swallowing me. Then everything went brown."
Thursday, November 06, 2008
One Hundred Common Questions
2-Can I have those shoes after you die?
3-Did your mother ever have any children that lived?
5-Which side are you on?
6-Do you know who won?
7-Why do you care?
8-What time does the train roll in?
9-Can I have another one?
10-Does this look like a face that cares?
11-Why did she get chosen?
12-Why is everybody always picking on me?
13-Who wants to know?
14-What's it to you?
15-Would you like another one?
16-What gives you the right?
17-Are you busy?
18-Are you now or have ever been a member of the Communist Party?
19-When will it ever end?
20-Are you really happy?
21-How's that working for you?
22-Can you tell me the truth?
23-Why did God create the universe?
24-Who's your daddy?
25-Who wound him up this morning?
26-What's wrong with you?
27-Did you take your medicine?
28-Who are you?
29-Why does a mouse when it spins?
30-Why is it always the quiet one?
31-Can you believe it?
32-What can you do with a drunken sailor?
34-How much farther?
35-Got any spare change?
37-Who told you that?
38-Where to Buddy?
40-When were you gonna tell me?
41-What's going on?
42-When will they ever learn?
43-Are you kidding?
56-What are you going to do with that?
57-What are we going to do with you?
57-What was the final score?
58-What's for dinner?
59-Why is there never anything good to eat around here?
60-Would you say that to your mother?
61-How am I suppose to live on this?
62-What makes you say that?
63-When are you going to grow up?
64-What should I do?
65-Who you gonna call?
66-You got anyone who can back up your story?
67-Who fired the first shot?
68-Do you have idea what you just did?
69-What kind of an idiot are you?
70-What's the point?
71-Can you give me one good reason?
72-What do you want Santa to bring you?
73-Can I ask you a stupid question?
74-Whose fault was it?
75-May I have this dance?
76-Or are you just happy to see me?
77-You know anybody who can take care of this problem?
78-What am I going to get out of this?
79-Got a light?
80-Can you turn that thing off?
81-What's love got to do with it?
83-How long have you been waiting?
84-What's the difference?
89-May I ask why?
90-Who killed Cock Robin?
91-Is that all you got?
92-Wanna try me?
93-When did you get out?
94-How long you in for?
95-Which one of you guys is the boss?
96-What was your first clue?
97-Where were you when it happened?
98-Was the Easter Bunny good to you?
99-Who took the last beer?
100-What are you waiting for?